A Confusing Time

It is definitely hard to wrap your mind around relief. It has been such an illusive goal. I have tried so many quick fixes, herbal remedies, vitamins, pills, physical therapy, chiropractic options and massage. Relief is always out of reach or fleeting. It has been so long since I have had relief, it is indeed hard to envision. So you put up a protective barrier in your mind. It is easier to not expect it, because for over 10 years I have battled this, and each time a new diagnosis or new treatment is offered, I get sucked in (or so it seems) only to find several months later that nothing has changed. In the beginning I blindly took pills that had promised relief, long after the realization that they were not working. I was told by family early on, that the pills caused me to be a zombie, going through the motions and in a funk, but I didn't see it. The brain fog is always there, but I guess they saw something else. I was on Neurontin, Robaxin and other pain pills, and though I had no relief, I just kept taking them. Finally a few years ago, I decide I am only giving the pills a few months. If there is no difference, then I quit them. The last set was Methotrexate, and Lyrica. I was up to 450 mgs on Lyrica and there was nothing...might as well have been a sugar pill. Methotrexate scared me, but I was willing. After 3 months the Rheumatologist told me to quit. He then suggested physical therapy, again. I finally had hit rock bottom when my mom brought this Antibiotic Protocol to my attention. I am lucky that my family doctor listened, and read the protocol and was willing to try it.
So, I have had a bumpy two months. I definitely had an increase in pain, fatigue and am positive I am in a Herx reaction. The depression and mood swings I was unprepared for, but have since read is normal. I still am in pain. Yet, today feels different.
It is scary. I hate to say " I feel better," because I don't even want to let myself believe in something, only to fail. I want my life back. So much so that I am scared to hope for it. Yet today, despite fighting with my mother and feeling moody, I suddenly noticed my body isn't as stiff, my mind isn't as numb, and it scared me. Silly, I know. I am scared to feel good? I am scared I will "mind over matter" myself into a false belief of healing. However, that isn't my style. Ms. Negative Nancy, Eeyore to some, is not likely to think she feels better, unless she does....right? Oh, how I hope I am on my way! This is the closest I recall coming to being hopeful, truly hopeful. I will sing from the roof tops if this works. Stay tuned. Dare I say there is hope?